I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
