thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
