Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
