You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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