Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
