hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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