In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I AM VODKA MAN
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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