Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
