the condom got lost in my hair
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
