When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
