i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
