um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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