There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
