I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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