Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
