My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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