Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
