I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
This baby is an asshole
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
