how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
