please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
