No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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