I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I supernannyed him into submission
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
