you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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