You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
