I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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