I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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