Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
