Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
