Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
