Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
