Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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