Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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