I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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