She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
