Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
