Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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