Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
