god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
