There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
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