i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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