a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
