onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
