I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
