youre lurking in front of me
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
