I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
