Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
