and i looked up. we had an audience...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
