Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
