Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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