when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You pole danced in your parka.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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